Breezeblocks (alt-j)

Hi.

I like to follow the fads after they are long gone, so we’re bringing back a 2012 classic.

Also we’re bringing me back.

How can I be so freaking busy, but still feel like I am achieving nothing?
How can I make myself believe that I am doing good. That I am doing okay?

There’s literally nothing else I could be doing.
Or more like, there really isn’t any more time left in the day for me to be doing anything more.

I work, I study, I go to school, I come home and work more from home, I play music, I volunteer to do shit, I talk to friends, I give advice, I reach out, I try to track what I am eating.

There’s still so much more I want to be doing, but there just isn’t any time left.

So when I get a Saturday to myself, I can’t even fucking enjoy it.

I can’t enjoy a slow and sunny Saturday.

‘I don’t want to go out by myself, or without a good reason when I can be home getting work done’ is a real sentence I uttered today. IT’S SATURDAY. It’s not even fucking Sunday.

Where am I running? Why am I not getting there? Why did I eat 8 cookies today? That was way too much.

***

I should also mention that I am on the verge of being single and sad about it for 22 years. Can’t a good guy love me for charity? But obviously not mention it to me.
Let me be ignorant just once. Let me not know all the shit going on. I don’t want to see it in your face, and I don’t want to hear it in your voice. Fake it. And fake it good.

I’ll believe it.

I’m that lonely.

***

My roommates boyfriend is visiting this weekend. Another friend started hooking up with a guy who loves her. Another one cheated on his long-term boy friend with another. Another friend finally slept with her flatmate.

I ate 8 oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. And wrote about Aristotle. Yay me.

***

I can’t wait to go out tomorrow and numb my brain with humor. I love humor. Thank heavens for funny people and all the funnies. I would be for-realsies depressed if it wasn’t for humor.

Can you tell?

Cheers!

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