It was my birthday today.
“Give me all your love now, cause for all we know we might be dead by tomorrow.”
Well it was my birthday yesterday.
It was my birthday on April 29th. My 21st birthday on April 29th, 2015.
Life is a goddamn strange thing.
Friends are hard to come by, some come around very unexpectedly, some stick around like loyal soldiers and some fly away like birds, and a few never cease to amaze you, and a few never cease to deliver.
On my 21st birthday, I am grateful for those handful of people who go out of their way to make me feel loved.
My beautiful mom, with whom I’ve had some struggles, but learned how to love and love and love more. My mom got me a tiny champagne, she hid a little letter in one of my books and sent me beautiful flowers for my birthday. All across an ocean.
My dad, who is not the best with his phone, made a video for me, and woke up from his sleep when I called in the middle of the night to say happy birthday.
My brother, who I know has his own storms in his soul as I do, showed a rare longing and love to me when I called. He also woke up my dad.
PurplePaws, my companion in this big big big city, who took me in her room and entertained me as I turned 21. She then paid for my dinner and drinks, because that’s what we do. She wasn’t even hungry and she was very tired, but she came out anyway.
Duckling, who made a compilation of our friendship to remind me that I had to be 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19 and 20 before I could be 21st. We don’t think about this often, but it takes us so, so many days to make it to today. To our birthdays. So many days, and friends, and faces.
My heart has been heavy all day today.
I’ve cried three times now.
Because for the first time in years, I don’t know who I am and what I am and where I belong.
And I hate having a heavy heart on my 21st birthday. But I do.
“I can’t go on wasting my time adding scars to my heart.”
I think we are made to believe that the older we get, the wiser we will be. But knowing more only means there’s more to consider, more to compare, more to care. More bruises, more scars. More memories, so many of them that we can’t tell the good from bad, the important from discard-ables.
I am very, very, very homesick.
At least for me, my parents home is the one and only place, where I feel like I know my place. I am a daughter, a sister, a rock to my family. I am loved. And I will be loved.
There really isn’t a second place I feel this way.
“I really don’t want to judge what’s in your heart
But if you’re not ready for love, how can you be ready for life?”
I am a friend.
But I don’t know if I am a good friend, a close friend, a tight friend, a fun friend.
And I don’t know if I am always a friend, or do I cease to be one once in a while?
If I was a friend of myself here’s what I would wish me:
Happy happy happy birthday!
I truly hope you have a perfect birthday, because we both know you deserved it.
I know you had the bestest expectations for year 20, that you thought being 20 was super cool when you were little. And I am sorry that things didn’t work out the way you had planned. But hey, you did some pretty awesome things too. I think you keep forgetting those:
You put a band together, and performed with them. You got to perform at a hotel and vacation. You got into a dual degree program – got a scholarship for it. You aced your classes, despite your struggles. You got an awesome job at the school, and you got chosen as the employee of the month – on your first month. You travelled to Montreal, on a train. You went to see shows. You composed a beautiful song.
Most of all, you stood strong. And I love you for it. It wasn’t easy, nothing ever is, but you had to be alone and you pulled it of. You are a different person for it, maybe slightly jaded, but you are stronger. You really have grown.
And you’ve grown out. Out of your past. It’s scary, but I don’t know anyone else who can take it better than you do.
Indefinitelys, I love you.
I hope you love yourself too.
“So let’s love fully, and let’s love loud, let’s love now.
Cause, soon enough we’ll die.”