Just a few weeks left for me to be a year older, and I do not feel ready for it.
“Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen, nobody knows my sorrow”
I feel so sad, so often and so disappointed in my ‘story’.
I used to think I deserved more, and that I would get the happiness I deserved, if I kept being positive and tried my best to be a good person.
I learned, however, that you cannot make deals or bargain with the universe. Goodness is not a currency, and hope does not change reality.
“Sometimes I’m up, sometimes I’m down, sometimes I’m almost to the ground”
I’ve been alone all my life.
Everytime I write that down – because I never say that out loud – it brings tears to my eyes. It gives me the bad kind of goosebumps. It breaks my heart. Everytime.
But it’s true.
I’ve never been loved back.
But I kept loving.
“If you get down before I do, tell all my friends I’m coming too”
I also think that there isn’t one person in my life who could love me wholly, with whom I could share anything, without any doubt. And that weighs so heavy on me.
How can I be that person who doesn’t have a best friend?
I would do this – be that friend – to all my friends, if only they wanted me to.
And I do my best to be a good friend to all of them. I listen to their troubles, give advice, try to provide a perspective, I pick them up when they are down – literally and mentally.
My troubles are nothing compared to real troubles; real losses; real pains but I can’t make myself feel any better.
I know tomorrow is another day. And these feelings will fade. But in a week something heartbreaking will happen again and I will be here typing my heart out to three strangers who stumble upon this blog.
“Although you see me going on so, I have my trials here below”
I try helping me too. But I feel that I am so beyond finding happiness again. I don’t know where it is. I don’t know if the world has any of it spared for me. I find it really hard to believe.
Try to be kinder. Tell your friends you appreciate them. That you love them. Apologize, even if you think you didn’t do anything wrong, just do it, in case they got hurt by something stupid.
You may not know their troubles. They may not always tell you. They may be keeping it to themselves so you can keep having a good time, because they need a good time too. That doesn’t mean they don’t get hurt.