My mom tells me that, when I was growing up, I would ask the most unexpected questions. And simple answers would not suffice. We are not talking about a curious child with endless questions of “why?” but we’re talking questions about life. And life choices.
“There is a house built out of stone,
Wooden floors walls and window sills,
Tables and chairs worn by all of the dust”
So, essentially, my mom told me that when I was seven or so I asked her what her biggest dream was.
My mom replied with answers about us – me and my brother. She wanted us to be happy, she wanted to earn money to give us a good life, she wanted us to go to good colleges.
To those I answered, “No, what do YOU want? What is YOUR biggest dream?”
And my mom was lost for words. She had no idea.
I for one had a million dreams, as I do now, and I had no comprehension of “not having a dream”.
“This is a place where I don’t feel alone
This is a where I feel at home”
“And I built a home for you, for me”
I grew up making decisions for myself, thanks to my parents who let me do so.
They asked me which school I wanted to attend, and what second language I wanted to learn (which was not English), they let me pick where I wanted to travel to.
My growing up also coincided with the growth of the internet, so soon, I didn’t need their help to make my decisions about my daily intake of culture. I picked the songs I listened to, the shows I watched, even the people I talked to.
I grew up with super speed, and I formed my perception of the world with that simplicity and honesty of the child I was, and I still abide by those principles.
“Until it disappeared from me, from you
And now it’s time to leave and turn to dust”
“Out in the garden where we planted the seeds,
There is a tree as old as me”
I grew up building the world for my own, and whatever and whomever I included in my world, I held dearly to me. There is so much love and affection in my heart for my loved ones, almost an overwhelming amount.
So after spending a whole day with Bliss, a new friend I have recently included into my world, I asked her if she had enough of me. She replied saying “No” that she didn’t had any friends who would spend this much time with her. This could be a cultural crush, or simply a crush of my world against the real one.
That, I couldn’t tell.
“Branches were sewn by the color of green
Gorund had arose and passed its knees”
“By the cracks of the skin I climbed to the top
I climbed the tree to see the world”
One other thing about my experience with the world around my world is that my dilemma of how to hope.
I feel that the dreamer in me rules my heart in terms of the expectations, but I also know very well that the bigger my dreams the bigger and more possible the heartbreaks.
This dilemma is so inside my skin that nowadays, when things go well, when I’m praised for something I work for, I am surprised. I find it hard to believe that universe helps me out once in a while. And I find it hard to believe that people recognize my struggle and hardwork. It’s a good feeling, that surprise, but it lasts much shorter than happiness.
And now I feel that the amount of people that make me happy are getting smaller and smaller.
I am surprised quite often, by a variety of people – people I know and people I don’t know all that well. They all surprise me once in a while.
But happiness. And feeling love. It’s getting harder and harder to feel those two.
“When the gusts came around to blow me down
I held on as thightly as you held onto me
Held on as thightly as you held onto me”
This song is so incredibly dear to my soul.
I once hugged a man that sang the song, and for that second I was happy.
And I am forever enchanted everytime I listen to this song.
I built a home, for me, inside me, inside my heart.
And once in a while, I can feel my soul inside me, and it feels alone, but it knows well that there is only space for me. I wish I could change it, but I grew up too fast, too by my self, with my own rules, that no one else really belongs there.
“I built a home for you, for me
Until it disappeared from me, from you
And now, it’s time to leave
And turn to dust.”