So there was this one time in high school, my Literature teacher who’s classes I’ve been taking two years in a row, made a comment about me in class. A comment that became quite unforgettable to me, something I reflect back to once in a while.
He said, that I had a very strong influence on people around me, something that pushes them to be “good” or to do the “right” thing. Not only that, but this influence I had also made them feel bad, in case they made the “wrong” choices.
I could see some of my friends nodding to this, smiling.
And honestly, I probably do have that influence.
This intimidating aura, that meant really well, but made people kind of uncomfortable.
The problem with that, however, is that sometimes I can’t help but feel that this aura cost me friends.
Some I lost, and some I never get to make, because of it.
Which brings me to the dilemma, that I do expect people to be “good” and to do the “right” things. Someone who purposely chooses to be “not good” or does “wrong” things just makes no sense to me.
But nothing is as clear cut as “good” or “bad” and “right” or “wrong”, is it?
So when I think about it, I fell through my own cracks all the time.
“One is the loneliest number you’ll ever do”
The reason we are pondering about this subject today, is because a friend I made recently (well, as in last year), Smalls, is suffering from this uncomfortable aura that I have. And I can tell.
Let me point out that college, for me – as is for anyone else, is absolutely different from high school.
I was the most comfortable person in my skin in high school, and here I am still very me, but I am an outsider. I study abroad, so there is no escaping it. I am “foreign” and “foreign” is hard to blend in.
Anywho, going back to my friend Smalls.
Smalls is this guy, who did not have the easiest life, and is a survivor. He lives with the principles of a survivor. He makes ends meet and tries to keep is humor. But Smalls also has issues, and there is no denying it, and he can be an absolute asshole without a reason – often. He has so much potential and good in him that it breaks your heart.
Because his downs swipe away his ups, and it never ends well.
But I can tell, that, when Smalls is around me – he does try his best. Tamed even (and I know he’d hate me for using the word).
And it’s just really a curious case, because he doesn’t even know me all that well. He doesn’t know my expectations of people, my dissapointments in humanity, or my high school Literature teacher.
He has to be just “feeling” whatevers left of my so-called influence.
And he really tries. And I love him for trying.
“Two can be as bad as one, it’s the loneliest number since the number one”
On another note, I don’t know where this leaves us.
Me with my awkward aura, that does not mean much to people around me anymore.
Smalls with his ups and downs and occasional docibleness.
We make a sad and weird pair don’t you think?