When We Were Young (Lucy Schwartz)

Hi.

So today, my mom did that thing where she thinks I’m still her cub and I need protecting from all the evils of the world.

Okay, it wasn’t as dramatic as I’ve put it, but that was the idea.

We’re having some financial trouble, and as a college student I don’t need to say that I am broke.
None of these things are unfixable, but they require time and risk taking and well, money.

Going back to my point, my mom still hates it that I am of the age for discussing these things, let alone worrying about them.
She hates to see me worrying sick about money, something that has been her and dad’s department for forever.
She hates to see me lowering my life standards (which are pretty low anyways) and considering the possibility of dropping out as a consequence of our talks.

Fortunately, I am not as pessimistic about any of this as she is, and I have this rootless feeling of “everything-will-be-fine”. Everything has to.
I’m just pretty sure, that, even when things are not fine, I can adapt and be content with that. I have to.
Life would be painful of I didn’t.

So, whenever we discuss these things with my parents, I have that feeling somewhere in me. I don’t worry as painfully as they think I do.
I mean I sometimes do, but that’s more than normal.
That’s how it’s supposed to be.
That’s how we learn how to fight misfortunes, and turn them into lessons.
There is no lesson if there is no trouble.

In the middle of all this, are my mom, and my dad, who can never tell what I think exactly, and are left in their imaginations to think the worst case scenarios for their little cub.
And I can see it in their eyes that they miss the little girl with her childish jokes and silly dresses. Her carelessness.

I too, miss that little girl.
But I also remember that she feared the silliest and the saddest things; and that she did not know how to fight any of it.
I remember that one time, after she read the story of Cinderella, she wondered what it meant to be good.
I remember that one time her brother fought one of his cruel fights with her, she wished to be older.

She wished to be older.
She actually specifically wanted to be twenty. I don’t know why, she was a little quirky.

I too, miss that girl.
I can’t help but wonder if this was what she planned to be when she was twenty.

Because, that, I can’t remember.

Cheers!